Sunday, September 7, 2008

Anti-mosquito arsenal

My net-covered bed

I debated whether or not to send the mosquito-rant that you just read, and decided it has merit because it is true. Additionally, it gives me a platform from which to describe what I am calling my Arsenal of Anti-Mosquito Devices and Tactics. I was able, eventually, to channel my fuming resentment of said insects into what may be the most powerful battlefront I have ever waged. It brings me great pleasure to list the Arsenal:

1. Mosquito Net, of course, is at the foremost and always has been. But--and I implore you not to get too excited here--the net's effectiveness is now 700x what it once was because of:

2. Highly Toxic Insecticide Solution, which comes in little pouches, one of which I discovered in my PC medical kit, and in which I soaked implement #1 for two-plus minutes, as directed. The World Health Organization warns that this poison is "slightly hazardous," which freaked me out, so I tried not to breathe while soaking the net. But then I got light-headed and thought "Is it that I'm not breathing? Or is it the poison?" And then I thought about how this is probably the most toxic thing I've ever knowingly used, which made me feel extremely self-conscious and hypocritical (all my years of eating organically, smeared in irony!). And THEN I thought about how I was going to be sleeping inside of the poison-soaked net for 1 1/2 years, starting that night, approximately 9 hours from the time of soakage. According to the package, the poison "kills mosquitoes upon contact." Wow! So, like, what's it going to do to me? Maybe give me a rash, which had better not itch more than my 70+ mosquito bites. At that point, I had to stop thinking about such things, or my Arsenal would have lost its deadliest component. Continuing on:

3. This is hilarious: I also find in my med kit, an All Natural Plant-Based Mosquito Repellent. I slathered that on too, on faith that in addition to repelling insects, it will also balance out the negative karma accumulated by item #2.

4. Hydro Cortisone Cream, 2 types: there's the petroleum-based one that comes in a tube and does little more than make my skin look shiny, and there's a whiter, chalkier paste that comes in tiny tiny individually sealed packets in portions that are enough to cover 2-4 mosquito bites. But I think that kind works.

5. My neighbor's sage advice: cover flashlight/headlamp with a bandanna while reading/writing at night; the bugs do not see it! This seems to work, and is ingenious. Is it that the bugs have poor eyesight and dim light doesn't register? Or are they thinking something along the lines of "Obviously that girl has superhuman powers to be able to read in such dim light, thus we should not mess with her?" Does anybody know?

So, that's pretty much it for my Arsenal. Well, there is also this other kind of repellent, but you have to apply it like it's a stinky glue-stick all over your body. So, that's kind of weird, and I am not officially listing it in my Arsenal.


NIGER1.COM said...

Very nice

Anonymous said...

I was in my garden this afternoon slapping mosquitos and I thought of Jessica.